Hebrews 11:1 (NIV): Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
This past October, Jeff and I were given an unexpected gift from the Lord. We found out that we were pregnant and our due date would be July 27. We were very surprised as we were not at all planning on having a child at the time. We accepted this gift with much fear, yet rejoiced over the Lord’s desire for us to add another member to our family.
While I was in the early stages of my pregnancy, the Lord impressed upon my heart that we were to name the baby Faith. In the past, we had never felt the Lord tell us what to name our children. We picked out names for our other three that we liked and agreed on. This time it was different, I very clearly felt that we were to name our child Faith. Little did we know, this name would end up meaning much more than we anticipated or imagined. On December 29th we were scheduled to have our very first OB appointment and were planning on telling our parents after that. However, the Lord had a different plan. On December 28th, I had a miscarriage. The events of the miscarriage began at home and I was able to make it to the doctor’s office before I completed the passing of our precious baby Faith. Jeff and I were completely devastated when this occurred. I have been through many hard ships and dark valleys in my life, but I have to say that to date, this was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. I had no idea what the pain of losing a child felt like until this day. In the past, I was able to sympathize with people when they lost a child but had no inclination of being able to empathize. Until that day in December, I had no idea what that horrible pit felt like. The doctors and nurses were absolutely amazing and caring. I vividly remember the doctor consoling me and telling me how sorry he was. I looked up at him with streams of tears and told him that “I am blessed” and went on to say that I had three beautiful children at home and that my heart just breaks for people who feel the pain that I currently felt without having other children to run home to and hug. We left the doctor’s office in despair. We left in complete darkness. For several days, life could have stopped existing and I would not have cared. I not only hurt but I ached. Miscarrying this little “faith” was very painful. Having something taken away from you that was truly a gift from the Lord, and much unexpected was almost like a tease. Although I hurt, I had complete faith in the Lord that He had a perfect plan in all of the darkness that Jeff and I were facing. After a few days of darkness and a week or so of slowly climbing up out of the pit, I was ready to face the future. During this time, the Lord revealed His promise to me from Hebrews 11:1; Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This scripture became so real right before my eyes. It became very clear to me why the Lord had previously impressed upon my heart that I was to name this baby Faith. What a perfect name for a little being that I was honored to have knitted together in my womb for almost 10 weeks. At that moment, Jeff and I needed faith more than ever. We needed faith to trust again. Faith to get out of the darkness that we were in at that moment. Faith to believe that the Lord had a perfect plan in allowing this to happen and faith to realize that He would allow this to occur in order to bring glory to Himself.
My dear friend, Keri wrote the following as a prayer for family during our loss of baby “Faith.”
Growing deep inside,
You were our little, sweet surprise.
How sweet the sound.
Your name Faith,
We remember so proud.
This world is tough my little one…
Laugh and play until I come.
I know You are sad to see my tears…
Give Faith a hug and hold her for years.
I believe in things I cannot know…
He told me so.
Today was the day that I was supposed to deliver a new baby to the Paul family but the Lord had a different plan. Instead, our family will release balloons at the beach in honor of baby Faith. Tears may be shed but we know we will see our precious child in perfect form in heaven one day. My prayer is that I will glorify the Lord through the memories of this loss and will be able to minister to and empathize with others who face similar darkness.